Never looking back

You were like my brother
You stood up for me whenever there was trouble
You held my hand when I was afraid
You protected me from everything
We were 5 when we meet
We always had a blast
Everytime I got nervous or scared
I stood behind you and held tight
Never let anything happen
When something did, you were there
We used to play with toy guns
And we always got one another
We used to have a shaving cream fight
And always got into trouble playing in mud
We used to stay up late and talk to each other through the window
Even when we were grounded
I stayed a night, we used to play school
Until one day, I came over
Do you remember the last day?
It was a scary day
You held me down, and I scream
You covered my mouth and closed the door
Do you feel my pain?
Cuz I do till this day
It never leaves my head

Never enough for you..

I lay under the stars
As I see your face in the sky
I close my eyes and ill cry
We went our separate ways
Long ago, we had our fights
But always made it through
Things changed so fast
It was hard to accept
Guess sometimes things are better left unsaid and go different ways..
Even when its hard to let go
And forget the memories we once shared

But I'm saying my goodbye
Knowing its a best thing to do
I'm moving on and not looking back
And Everytime I do, it hurts so much inside
I know I'm strong but it will take some time to heal
Forgetting someone who meant something and get thrown back and forth in lies
Who you gave so much too, throws it away like it meant nothing
Just wish you could see in me, I've tried my best.
I loved you with all I could, I cared enough to keep fighting for you
But there's so much a person could give, to you it wasn't enough.

Late at night..

Late at night as i lay in bed,

As many thoughts rush through my head,

I think about the weak and strong,

I question all the right from wrong,
I wonder who could i really be,

I think of what’s gotten into me,

I hang out with the entirely wrong crowd,

All these thoughts i am thinking out loud,
What is this life i am in?

My head is now beginning to spin,

I pace my room without a sound,

Walking in circles round and round,
All these questions i have to ask,

I can never finish a single task,

My heart is beating really fast,

Asking myself will this really last
Nothing i do feels like it’s right,

Even though i am very bright,

Why does it feel this way?,

The exact same thing every day
So here i am thinking in my head,

All the negative things i’ve said,

This is not the real me,

It definitely cannot be
Sitting here thinking for a while,

I find myself beginning to smile,

All these emotions i have to express,

Letting go of all this stress,
Sitting here in the rain,

Feeling all of this pain,

Like a flower i begin to wilt,

Holding onto all this guilt,
While falling asleep i begin to cry,

Thinking about how hard i try,

As I am beginning to find my way,

I think who am i today
Thinking about all the nights i cried,

Holding all these feelings inside,

Now getting all them off my chest,

Doing good, only hoping for the best,
My life is like a story told,

My heart is something that i hold,

It’s not something on my sleeve,

As many things as i achieve
I think about all the positive things,

Hurt feels like a big bee sting,

Life isn’t something I can find in a tree,

It’s only what’s inside of me
Late at night as i lay in bed,

All these thoughts rushing through my head,

I no longer think about the weak and strong,

Nor do i question the right from wrong.

Just something

Love is blind it's hard to find
You have up and downs
But you gotta keep strong
No matter what happens in life
you gonna fail and have troubles
that's when you get up and try again
never back down, you keep fighting
untill there's nothing else to fight
Be who you are
don't let others bring you down
speak your mind, let others judge
everyone does, so why does it matter
move on with your life, and prove others wrong
you can do better for your self
if you let your self, let everything go
in time you will see
things can get better in time
fighting is pointless, it's just a waste of time
fight less and love more
hate less and care more
don't be afraid to show your true self
everyone won't like it but there's others who do
whos in your life is what should matter
not the ones who doesn't even care

Things Will Never Change...

You walked out of my life, never said a goodbye
Now I'm here wondering why
You were never was there like a father would be
Never had anything nice to say
Always made me cry
By the cold words you have to say
You done my mother wrong
Don't even think of how she feels inside
Never cared, Never will
My heart is broken, into these million pieces
Because of what you turn into
An alcoholic that is abusive
Who would never change
Who will never care
I was beating over and over
It made me afraid to even try to be close
I could never speak a word
Without something mean coming out
I wanted a father who would do things with me
Even going fishing together or to a movie
But I know I'd never get that, no matter how hard I try
So I'll sit here and wonder, if I'd get that chance soon
Before it's all to late to do
It's my one wish
But I'm afraid to ask
With out him making up stories to not go...

Just wish I could say I love you Dad...

A New Start

In 2008, I found out I have hydrocephalus. I couldn't figure out why I was getting headaches and weakness. It got so bad it affected my life I felt there was something wrong, doctors thought it was all in my head. Well one day, a doctor done a CT Scan and that's what he found, hydrocephalus! Recently, in December of 2009, I lost my medical. Not even knowing why. It screwed me over.Couples months later, I had a seizure. Then one after another. No doctor would even see me without medical. I was getting so frustrated because I couldn't get any help. One day, I seen the doctor who had done my surgery. He wouldn't even see me until he was told about my seizure and cussing him out. So now he's seeing me. He started saying he could take the shunt out, but, I said no! Then he decided to higher the pressure so it flows faster. Yet again, I'm still having little problems. Sometimes I just want to give up on it. Nothing seems to work, nothing is never seem to go right. So what am I suppose to do. He even put me on seizure medications which I haven't had any more since then. And I go some help at Valley. They put me on medications for my depression. And I'm thankful because now I'm doing so much better than  before. I am happier and more energetic and more open to others. Now I can't even shut up. Thanks for many supports from my parents, and my best friend Jenn! They help me out so much with my illness. Now, I can finally enjoy life like never before and I feel really good about my self. Today I did a goal, which I'm proud of my self. It was a start. I have a fear of doing things by my self like walking any where by my self, and I did that. I felt so good I thought about doing it again!...

Just another day..

So the guy I was with broke up with me I'm guessing since feb 2 but couldn't even tell me him self. It took someone else to tell me for him it's all fucked up and confusing. It was bugging me so bad I decided to call his mom he wouldn't get on the phone I said I wanted to talk to him, heard him in the background saying no he doesn't want to talk or nothing. So I had to ask his mom things and he would tell her and she tells me what he just said. The reason was because he wanted me to get what I need to do for my self like get my medical and stuff back. He also said I wouldn't do nothing for my self when he was around. I don't believe that I did but sometimes I forget to do some things. And also, I always want him around when in fact that isn't true. I could careless yeah I would see if he's coming over or not just so I know if I can make plans or not. I NEVER ever made him stay I let him go as he please. I don't know about him at times! He said to, that he needed some space. Which is fine with me because I would love that too.. I don't think I've done anything wrong. I think what it is, is that he got really scared when I had a couple seizures and he didn't know what to do or he was scared something bad would happen to me. And thinks he is stopping me for getting help.But he doesn't know. Actually he makes me want to take care of my self more when he's with me I'd do anything for this guy and I have done so much he just don't realize it. I gave him a lot of affection, my love, trust something I would never do but he was lucky. I even gave up on so much for him always try to make him come first and let him feel special and loved. I gave him no girl would give him and that was that. He got everything he could ask for in a girl. And yet, he left me! I don't get it. I wonder if he scared him a way cause he wasn't used to it. I can't think of anything else. But he really hurt me but I tell my self, if it's true love it'll come back to you. And I hope it does. Because I never loved a guy as much I love and care for him.