Things Will Never Change...

You walked out of my life, never said a goodbye
Now I'm here wondering why
You were never was there like a father would be
Never had anything nice to say
Always made me cry
By the cold words you have to say
You done my mother wrong
Don't even think of how she feels inside
Never cared, Never will
My heart is broken, into these million pieces
Because of what you turn into
An alcoholic that is abusive
Who would never change
Who will never care
I was beating over and over
It made me afraid to even try to be close
I could never speak a word
Without something mean coming out
I wanted a father who would do things with me
Even going fishing together or to a movie
But I know I'd never get that, no matter how hard I try
So I'll sit here and wonder, if I'd get that chance soon
Before it's all to late to do
It's my one wish
But I'm afraid to ask
With out him making up stories to not go...

Just wish I could say I love you Dad...

A New Start

In 2008, I found out I have hydrocephalus. I couldn't figure out why I was getting headaches and weakness. It got so bad it affected my life I felt there was something wrong, doctors thought it was all in my head. Well one day, a doctor done a CT Scan and that's what he found, hydrocephalus! Recently, in December of 2009, I lost my medical. Not even knowing why. It screwed me over.Couples months later, I had a seizure. Then one after another. No doctor would even see me without medical. I was getting so frustrated because I couldn't get any help. One day, I seen the doctor who had done my surgery. He wouldn't even see me until he was told about my seizure and cussing him out. So now he's seeing me. He started saying he could take the shunt out, but, I said no! Then he decided to higher the pressure so it flows faster. Yet again, I'm still having little problems. Sometimes I just want to give up on it. Nothing seems to work, nothing is never seem to go right. So what am I suppose to do. He even put me on seizure medications which I haven't had any more since then. And I go some help at Valley. They put me on medications for my depression. And I'm thankful because now I'm doing so much better than  before. I am happier and more energetic and more open to others. Now I can't even shut up. Thanks for many supports from my parents, and my best friend Jenn! They help me out so much with my illness. Now, I can finally enjoy life like never before and I feel really good about my self. Today I did a goal, which I'm proud of my self. It was a start. I have a fear of doing things by my self like walking any where by my self, and I did that. I felt so good I thought about doing it again!...

Just another day..

So the guy I was with broke up with me I'm guessing since feb 2 but couldn't even tell me him self. It took someone else to tell me for him it's all fucked up and confusing. It was bugging me so bad I decided to call his mom he wouldn't get on the phone I said I wanted to talk to him, heard him in the background saying no he doesn't want to talk or nothing. So I had to ask his mom things and he would tell her and she tells me what he just said. The reason was because he wanted me to get what I need to do for my self like get my medical and stuff back. He also said I wouldn't do nothing for my self when he was around. I don't believe that I did but sometimes I forget to do some things. And also, I always want him around when in fact that isn't true. I could careless yeah I would see if he's coming over or not just so I know if I can make plans or not. I NEVER ever made him stay I let him go as he please. I don't know about him at times! He said to, that he needed some space. Which is fine with me because I would love that too.. I don't think I've done anything wrong. I think what it is, is that he got really scared when I had a couple seizures and he didn't know what to do or he was scared something bad would happen to me. And thinks he is stopping me for getting help.But he doesn't know. Actually he makes me want to take care of my self more when he's with me I'd do anything for this guy and I have done so much he just don't realize it. I gave him a lot of affection, my love, trust something I would never do but he was lucky. I even gave up on so much for him always try to make him come first and let him feel special and loved. I gave him no girl would give him and that was that. He got everything he could ask for in a girl. And yet, he left me! I don't get it. I wonder if he scared him a way cause he wasn't used to it. I can't think of anything else. But he really hurt me but I tell my self, if it's true love it'll come back to you. And I hope it does. Because I never loved a guy as much I love and care for him.

It's so frustrating!!

Yesterday I had a seizure while I was in my boyfriends bed. This wasn't the first time and now I think it's scary him away. I went to the hospital they only gave me couple medications to calm me down and done a cat scan. They said the shunt for my hyrocephalous is fine. I got no medical now because of somethings that had to fuck me over.. so now I'm screwed!  I love my boyfriend to death and I hope he doesn't back away. At this point I really really need him by my side more than anybody else.. I just wish I knew what is causing my seizures don't want someone to wake me up and see me gone. I'm so scared and lost right now. Just wish I knew what I could do to help my self!! And I don't want to worry about things between me and my boyfriend just because of my seizures or my hyrocephalous.. Just wish he could been here tonight with me just to make sure it doesn't happen again while I sleep but he's not. :( I love you Justin and my family

My depression that I suffered...

Life is like a prison
Your scared and trapped
no place to go no place to hide from all your fears
nobody to trust no one to talk to
you feel so alone
life has it's up and down
sometimes you want to run and hide
everything seems to fall out of place
and wish it would get better
but in time you'll see
life is what you make of it
and everything always gets better when you allow it
your fears will fade when you become braver....


Life is never easy when you got bad depression. It makes every thing much harder for you. It seems you can't ever do nothing right, like everything is your fault. You judge your self and compare your self to others. Feels like you can't do nothing because something is always stopping you. One minute your happy next your crying and when the negativity kicks it every things even worse. Nobody doesn't care nor even notice you all you want is someone there and understands. But it seems like nobody wants to come around you.. You wonder what you done or what's wrong with you, but still can't figure out why. That's when you feel so lonely inside and just want to die. Then you try different things just to see if anybody even cares just to prove your self nobody doesn't. Your mind believes it and it builds frustration and anger.. When your fears start to come it's like you have no control. Every thing just gets to you and you start to panic more. It's hard to love just because you panic about everything. You lose your trust and it's hard to believe anything anybody says it slowly ruins everything you did have just because you accuse them about a lot of things. One minute you think someone is talking about you the next they'll will cheat on you or lie. Or nobody doesn't love you like you love them and you get scared they will walk out of your life without any reasons or they will stop loving you.. And when you become attached feels like everything is just getting worse you just don't want to let go of that person feels like you got to be with them all the time. But I learn from so much from my depression you can't let it control your life. It can be hard but sometimes it takes time to control it. I just think of what I do and turn it around and try to do better. I even ask the people who I love what I do. That's all you can do and have people who loves you to help you out.... Life is hard when you got depression but don't let it control your life. Because you will never be happy if you did and you will lose the people who are in your life. I have lost a few because of my depression so try to keep your head up high and ignore the negative thoughts. Just remember there's more people that loves and cares for you than hate you. And never let anybody bring you down it just prove to those people that you can't do better when YOU CAN. 

This is really good and true!

I'm sick and tired of these games
my heart keeps hurting more each day
just cause I loved you and there wasn't nothing I could do
I tried and tried to fight what I thought we had left
but I guess I lost the one I loved now
trying to figure out what happen between us two
I never felt the way that I did
you were my first love
I had no choice to move on
either way I was hurting
just because I loved you and couldn't let you go
now I got a guy in my life
he makes me feel so much better inside
his words melts my heart
and I lose my breath every time he's near....

Just remember when you get hurt
just get back up and say it's okay
and let everything go
because something better will return
be thankful for what you got now
because you would miss what you could have had
don't ever pass something up when you got the change
because you will never know what you could have till it's gone
love may hurt but it makes you stronger and better
life is hard but there's always a way to cope
and make everything better
only way is to try and make everything worth it
and if you fail you get back up and try again
sometimes it's hard to do better but you can't force your self
then you won't get anywhere
so keep your head up high and be proud what you got
because when it's time for you to passed you will never get the chance
to realize how beauiful life really is
and see how much people love and care for you
some may not show what they feel but you got to trust your self
and give them a chance cause it's never easy to show emotions....

If you ever feel alone just remember you never are
there's so many people in this world that would be by your side
when you're fighting a depression just remember it's okay
you don't need to count on anybody but your self to get better
it's about your mind and willing to try, if you stop trying you won't get better
it's easy to be negative but it's easier to be positive....

I'm confused

Sometimes I would question my self with everything I do. All I do is make it tough on my self even more I let everything get to me other times nothing would bother me. I feel so confused and wish these feelings that I get would disappear.. So I got low self esteem and I can't figure a way out of it, feels like I am trap inside. I feel unpretty and I point out everything about my self I don't like. Like where do these thoughts come from and why do they come to mind. It's like I can't tell my self any positive things, it's so hard to. And it's really hard to believe anyone when they say something positive about me. It's so hard to trust I'm the type who likes and wants to trust and believe people but I know in fact you can't always believe everything you hear! When I read or hear about something I would remember it just because it's negative. Why does the mind work this way? I wonder! I guess it's part of being a human and trying to figure things out and try to stay strong. Thank god for best friends she really was there for me and help me out in so many ways and made me think about so much. Thank you Jennifer! Love ya