My depression that I suffered...

Life is like a prison
Your scared and trapped
no place to go no place to hide from all your fears
nobody to trust no one to talk to
you feel so alone
life has it's up and down
sometimes you want to run and hide
everything seems to fall out of place
and wish it would get better
but in time you'll see
life is what you make of it
and everything always gets better when you allow it
your fears will fade when you become braver....


Life is never easy when you got bad depression. It makes every thing much harder for you. It seems you can't ever do nothing right, like everything is your fault. You judge your self and compare your self to others. Feels like you can't do nothing because something is always stopping you. One minute your happy next your crying and when the negativity kicks it every things even worse. Nobody doesn't care nor even notice you all you want is someone there and understands. But it seems like nobody wants to come around you.. You wonder what you done or what's wrong with you, but still can't figure out why. That's when you feel so lonely inside and just want to die. Then you try different things just to see if anybody even cares just to prove your self nobody doesn't. Your mind believes it and it builds frustration and anger.. When your fears start to come it's like you have no control. Every thing just gets to you and you start to panic more. It's hard to love just because you panic about everything. You lose your trust and it's hard to believe anything anybody says it slowly ruins everything you did have just because you accuse them about a lot of things. One minute you think someone is talking about you the next they'll will cheat on you or lie. Or nobody doesn't love you like you love them and you get scared they will walk out of your life without any reasons or they will stop loving you.. And when you become attached feels like everything is just getting worse you just don't want to let go of that person feels like you got to be with them all the time. But I learn from so much from my depression you can't let it control your life. It can be hard but sometimes it takes time to control it. I just think of what I do and turn it around and try to do better. I even ask the people who I love what I do. That's all you can do and have people who loves you to help you out.... Life is hard when you got depression but don't let it control your life. Because you will never be happy if you did and you will lose the people who are in your life. I have lost a few because of my depression so try to keep your head up high and ignore the negative thoughts. Just remember there's more people that loves and cares for you than hate you. And never let anybody bring you down it just prove to those people that you can't do better when YOU CAN. 

This is really good and true!

I'm sick and tired of these games
my heart keeps hurting more each day
just cause I loved you and there wasn't nothing I could do
I tried and tried to fight what I thought we had left
but I guess I lost the one I loved now
trying to figure out what happen between us two
I never felt the way that I did
you were my first love
I had no choice to move on
either way I was hurting
just because I loved you and couldn't let you go
now I got a guy in my life
he makes me feel so much better inside
his words melts my heart
and I lose my breath every time he's near....

Just remember when you get hurt
just get back up and say it's okay
and let everything go
because something better will return
be thankful for what you got now
because you would miss what you could have had
don't ever pass something up when you got the change
because you will never know what you could have till it's gone
love may hurt but it makes you stronger and better
life is hard but there's always a way to cope
and make everything better
only way is to try and make everything worth it
and if you fail you get back up and try again
sometimes it's hard to do better but you can't force your self
then you won't get anywhere
so keep your head up high and be proud what you got
because when it's time for you to passed you will never get the chance
to realize how beauiful life really is
and see how much people love and care for you
some may not show what they feel but you got to trust your self
and give them a chance cause it's never easy to show emotions....

If you ever feel alone just remember you never are
there's so many people in this world that would be by your side
when you're fighting a depression just remember it's okay
you don't need to count on anybody but your self to get better
it's about your mind and willing to try, if you stop trying you won't get better
it's easy to be negative but it's easier to be positive....

I'm confused

Sometimes I would question my self with everything I do. All I do is make it tough on my self even more I let everything get to me other times nothing would bother me. I feel so confused and wish these feelings that I get would disappear.. So I got low self esteem and I can't figure a way out of it, feels like I am trap inside. I feel unpretty and I point out everything about my self I don't like. Like where do these thoughts come from and why do they come to mind. It's like I can't tell my self any positive things, it's so hard to. And it's really hard to believe anyone when they say something positive about me. It's so hard to trust I'm the type who likes and wants to trust and believe people but I know in fact you can't always believe everything you hear! When I read or hear about something I would remember it just because it's negative. Why does the mind work this way? I wonder! I guess it's part of being a human and trying to figure things out and try to stay strong. Thank god for best friends she really was there for me and help me out in so many ways and made me think about so much. Thank you Jennifer! Love ya

The pain in my life that will always be there

When I was a little girl my parents done everything for me. They tried giving me the best life, but to me my life was nothing but a lie. I recently found out about my childhood. When I was a baby my real father was abusive and was an alcoholic. Then my mother started drinking. Till this day feels like there was something else but nobody will talk about it. When I turn 7 I came in contact with him I had  tried asking my father about things but all he did was made up excuses why he never came around. All he had to say was, my mother wouldn't allow him. But he could have done something to change that but he never tried. Down the road, not sure what it was all I remembered was that I scream and cried and didn't want to see my father. Till this day it's unknown what has happen. I wonder to myself, did he hurt me or done something that he shouldn't have done. I wish I knew but I will never know. When I turn 18, I found him again. Yet again sitting at the table drinking his life away. I tried again and hope he changed, but all he did was lie. One day, I was thinking and realize I don't want him in my life anymore. He got so angry with me he called the cops saying I tried killing my self. When I never ever did that. So the police told me to not talk to him again and for him to do the same. How could a police say that when I should have a right to talk to who ever? Ever since we stop talking and he moved far away. Deep down inside of me I still care for him but I just never knew what I could do to get the truth out. That's all I asked. Just to know why he never came around. My mother told me she didn't care if he did just because he was my father and she wasn't gonna stop me for knowing him or be part of his life. When I turn 12 my step father started emotionally abuse me that's when I started to get in so much trouble with the law and school. I was just a little girl who was confused and didn't know where to turn to. I had so much anger inside me I took everything out on everyone and anything. At that age I became suicidal and I just didn't care. Felt like everything in my life was falling apart. I started to feel nobody cared enough for me anymore nor did it feel I was even there. I felt very alone, but yet I was popular in middle school. But I went down hill I ran away and took off from the school building. Before I did all that, the teacher starting seeing I was falling apart and needed medications. And my mom started seeing it. All the medication did was made me worse. I finally got kicked out of school and got put into a private school there I got beating and got made fun of. At 14, I was raped by a friend that I knew since first grade. Then I got threaten I would die if I said anything. At 17, I met this guy. He was 15. Things were good till later on he started to emotionally abuse me and told me to go die. I finally got over him when I turn 19 I met this 18 year old guy. He was remodeling my step fathers house. We had a good bond. But we had our fights sometimes he would put me down. When I finally got pregnant by him. He emotionally abuse me too but we stayed together. But when we had another fight he got me so upset I finally lost my baby. And I was only a month an a half. Which was the worse feeling in the world and going through losing it was so painful I looked at him like help me but he couldn't do nothing. I felt so unlucky and it was my fault when I lost the child. Till this day I can't overcome the lost. But I feel I'm still a mother at heart! During May, he had cheated on me and post it all over on myspace that he had a three some, the one chick was my best friend.. He got her pregnant far as everyone know it's his, now the child is here and it brings so much memories of my baby. It kills me so much. Well it's been almost 4 months since I started dating this guy, he is so much better. He completes my world. When I'm hurting he's there to support me and takes good care of me. He isn't like most guys and I'm thankful. Well that's my story and I hope nobody has to go through the pain I've been through in life. If anybody has a story I would like to hear them. I am a good listener and good at making other peoples life a little better!!!