The pain in my life that will always be there

When I was a little girl my parents done everything for me. They tried giving me the best life, but to me my life was nothing but a lie. I recently found out about my childhood. When I was a baby my real father was abusive and was an alcoholic. Then my mother started drinking. Till this day feels like there was something else but nobody will talk about it. When I turn 7 I came in contact with him I had  tried asking my father about things but all he did was made up excuses why he never came around. All he had to say was, my mother wouldn't allow him. But he could have done something to change that but he never tried. Down the road, not sure what it was all I remembered was that I scream and cried and didn't want to see my father. Till this day it's unknown what has happen. I wonder to myself, did he hurt me or done something that he shouldn't have done. I wish I knew but I will never know. When I turn 18, I found him again. Yet again sitting at the table drinking his life away. I tried again and hope he changed, but all he did was lie. One day, I was thinking and realize I don't want him in my life anymore. He got so angry with me he called the cops saying I tried killing my self. When I never ever did that. So the police told me to not talk to him again and for him to do the same. How could a police say that when I should have a right to talk to who ever? Ever since we stop talking and he moved far away. Deep down inside of me I still care for him but I just never knew what I could do to get the truth out. That's all I asked. Just to know why he never came around. My mother told me she didn't care if he did just because he was my father and she wasn't gonna stop me for knowing him or be part of his life. When I turn 12 my step father started emotionally abuse me that's when I started to get in so much trouble with the law and school. I was just a little girl who was confused and didn't know where to turn to. I had so much anger inside me I took everything out on everyone and anything. At that age I became suicidal and I just didn't care. Felt like everything in my life was falling apart. I started to feel nobody cared enough for me anymore nor did it feel I was even there. I felt very alone, but yet I was popular in middle school. But I went down hill I ran away and took off from the school building. Before I did all that, the teacher starting seeing I was falling apart and needed medications. And my mom started seeing it. All the medication did was made me worse. I finally got kicked out of school and got put into a private school there I got beating and got made fun of. At 14, I was raped by a friend that I knew since first grade. Then I got threaten I would die if I said anything. At 17, I met this guy. He was 15. Things were good till later on he started to emotionally abuse me and told me to go die. I finally got over him when I turn 19 I met this 18 year old guy. He was remodeling my step fathers house. We had a good bond. But we had our fights sometimes he would put me down. When I finally got pregnant by him. He emotionally abuse me too but we stayed together. But when we had another fight he got me so upset I finally lost my baby. And I was only a month an a half. Which was the worse feeling in the world and going through losing it was so painful I looked at him like help me but he couldn't do nothing. I felt so unlucky and it was my fault when I lost the child. Till this day I can't overcome the lost. But I feel I'm still a mother at heart! During May, he had cheated on me and post it all over on myspace that he had a three some, the one chick was my best friend.. He got her pregnant far as everyone know it's his, now the child is here and it brings so much memories of my baby. It kills me so much. Well it's been almost 4 months since I started dating this guy, he is so much better. He completes my world. When I'm hurting he's there to support me and takes good care of me. He isn't like most guys and I'm thankful. Well that's my story and I hope nobody has to go through the pain I've been through in life. If anybody has a story I would like to hear them. I am a good listener and good at making other peoples life a little better!!!